Blu's Birthday Bash

After enjoying a priceless conversation with our mother this evening, I thought that it would be cruel of me to not share it with the rest of you. Please take into consideration that prior to the hilariousness of her story we were having an intellectual conversation about school and world issues (believe it or not). Also, please see bottom of script for definitions of starred terms and special notes.

Me: So Mom, what's new at the big Nutt?* What have you been doing lately?

Mom: Well, October 19th was Blu's birthday and NO ONE remembered.

Me: hahaha (thinking...of course I didn't remember...it's the dog. Then again, according to Mom and our grandparents Blu knows the days of the week, so why wouldn't he know his birthday.)

Mom: So, on Wednesday I left work early and went home to make Blu a fried chicken dinner.

Me: Did he enjoy that? (still laughing)

Mom: Oh yeah, he loved it! So, I made him his dinner and I sang him "Happy Birthday" and he kept looking at me like I was crazy.

Me: Probably because you were singing to him.

Mom: Well no, that's not why. I realized the next day, on Thursday, when I went to work that the day before was the 18th! That's why he looked at me so crazy, it was because I was celebrating his birthday on the wrong day. Luckily I had some leftovers and so he got birthday dinner again on Thursday.

Me: Thank God.

*the big Nutt: a slang term used by three girls and a boy when referring to Massanutten
*No judgement is allowed. She just feels everyone deserves a birthday celebration.

Before you know it Ho will be saying, "Just like Clyde, Blu is not a dog, he is a person."

WWMD?

What Would Mom Do?

On behalf of Three Girls and a Boy, I am proud to introduce a brand new segment on our blog: WWMD - What Would Mom Do? an advice column authored by our very own Mom, the Maker Of the Madness, the original milf.

Here's how it works: anyone with a burning question, or maybe a burning itch, can ask Mom for advice. Three Girls and a Boy will be posting our own questions and those submitted by others. If you're a friend of Three Girls and a Boy you can ask Mom for advice directly by posting a comment under the most recent WWMD post. Got it? Anyone who asks Mom for advice receives a free WWMD wrist band, our compliments to you.

WWMD #1

Dear Mom,

I am confused. I am a boy beagle and thought I would always enjoy the company of bitches. I've never actually been with a bitch, but my daddy tells me I would like it. The problem is Rags. Rags is a boy dog who was a houseguest for a several weeks. As much as I tried to suppress my feelings and urges, all I wanted to do was hump Rags -- and hump him I did. I tried to pretend like we were just wrestling, but Rags knew what I was doing, and he liked it. Now Rags is gone, and I miss my hump buddy.

Mom, does this make me a gay dog? I'm afraid my daddy won't love me if he thinks I'm gay.

Looking for love in all the wrong places,
Blu -- aka Humpty, pronounced with an Umpty

IT'S A TIT BIT NIPPLY OUTSIDE AND I WISH IT WAS HOOTER

Blacksburg, Virginia is expecting high temperatures in the 40s today. This can mean two things ladies and gentlemen:

1. My Raynaud's Phenomenon will be back in full force until April
2. It's time for us all to bust out our winter vocab.

Thanks to urbandictionary.com, I have provided you with a mini-vocabulary lesson. Read up, learn something, and use these terms while engaging in conversation today (preferably professional conversation).

1. As cold as a witches tit: an object that is extremely cold
Sentence use: The air is as cold as a witches tit.

2. Tipples: titty nipples
Sentence use: My tipples are rock hard in this cold weather.

3. Brass Monkey: a metaphorical thermometer
Sentence use: "It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"

4. Titty Bit Nipply: The weather is cold enough for your nipples to become erect.
Sentence use: Turn on the heater, its a titty bit nipply.

5. Witch: (1) crazy bitches; (2) a word you use when talking about how cold it is
Sentence use: It's colder than a witches scrotum outside.

6. Snotsicle: when yo snot be runnin' down yo schnizzle when it be hawkin' and it freezes into a stalagtite lookin mofo!
Special sentence use: It's so cold outside I got a snotsicle that should be on display in Luray Caverns.

*All definitions and some sentences are from www.urbandictionary.com*

The Coffee Incident

It might be hump day, but that's the only good thing I can say about this day so far. Already an hour late for work (don't ask why), I pull into the parking garage, badge in one hand, coffee in the other (and oh yeah, I'm driving too). I have to shift gears, so I put my coffee in my lap and wouldn't you know it... the whole damn thing tips over. It's hot. I can feel it singeing my Lady Menorah. There's nothing I can do but let it sit there, fully seeping through to the back of my pants until I find a parking space 5 minutes later. Obviously I can't assess the damage sitting in my car in a dim parking garage, so I get out to inspect my crotch. I grab a few dunkin donuts napkins and start wiping away when I hear the screech of car tires. I look up, napkins in hand, and meet the eyes of two men who have no idea what the hell just happened. So, I did what any self-respecting lady would do: grabbed my things, and walked - head held high - into the building. Wet crotch and all. Now if only I could get that coffee smell to go away.

Why I Love Grey's Anatomy

"I want moonlight and flowers and candy and people trying to feel me up. Nobody is trying to feel me up!...Do you have any idea how much effort it takes to do this? I am waxed and plucked, and I have a clean top on....I want heat; I want romance. Damn it, I want to feel like a freakin lady."
-- Meredith to McDreamy and McVet

Sex, Lies, and Instant Messaging

This blog title could easily allude to my personal life, but politics proves a more apt subject.

Gay Republican: oxymoron or hypocrisy at its best?
It seems the Representative from Florida, Mark Foley, has been confused or in denial over his gayness and finds it "revolting" and "unforgivable" that people would openly question his sexuality. I think Rep Foley took the words right out of Clay Aiken's mouth. By now of course, I don't think there is any question over Rep. Foley's sexuality or his habit of pedophilia. The only good thing I can say about this controversy is at least Rep. Foley had the good sense to quickly resign when this mess became public late last week. The last thing this country needs is a Congressman denying to the American people his love for 16-year-old boys. If its true Speaker Hastert and other Republican leaders knew of the allegations for several months but kept mum for political reasons, they should resign as well.

While Foley has been accused of being gay, I don't think he has ever been accused of being smart. Did he not stop to think instant messages could be saved and used against him? The transcripts are all over the web, and I'm not going to bother including them here, except for a small excerpt just so you get the idea.

Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:38 PM): ive already told you that
Maf54 (8:08:47 PM): tell me again
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:49 PM): 7 and 1/2
Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful

As if that's not enough, I'll leave you with this tidbit: Foley served as Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children and was the foremost opponent of child pornography. The media reported today Foley has checked himself into rehab for alcohol abuse. Super. A self-hating, alcoholic, gay, republican pedophile. This guy makes Mr. Bush look good.