Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Chest Bumps and Fist Pumps to our baby girl, Suzanne -- Sue, Suzers, Suzy-Q, Two-by-Two -- who turns 21 today. Cheers to you Sue! Ahhh...char char char char.

Happy 21st Sue!!!

It is the end of an era. There are no underage drinking Loverns anymore. We are all legally allowed into bars. Hey, I'll drink to that.

Happy Birthday Sue!

Text Messaging, Friend or Foe?

A friend mentioned she ran into an old boyfriend in Adams Morgan who suggested they get together for brunch on Sunday. She accepted, warily, only to receive a text message from him several hours later saying he had to cancel. Spineless.

After telling a guy I wasn’t interested in being the chick he sees when he has nothing better to do, I received a random text message from him a couple months later with the question, “Are you still mad at me?” No phone call. No “Hi, how are you?” Only a follow-up text asking if I was going out that night. Dickhead.

Another friend received a text message from her ex-boyfriend while in the middle of a business meeting. She had not spoken to him in months. The message said, “Tell your boyfriend I cheated on you…” This was the first time my friend learned her ex was unfaithful. He followed up with a second text saying it happened more than once. Spineless Dickhead.

This is a friendly blog to all those boys out there who think its okay to break a date or tell your ex-girlfriend you cheated on her via a TEXT MESSAGE.

Dude, it’s not okay.

Not at all. It’s passive and and weak and a total dickhead move.

Grow some balls boys!

Blu's Birthday Bash

After enjoying a priceless conversation with our mother this evening, I thought that it would be cruel of me to not share it with the rest of you. Please take into consideration that prior to the hilariousness of her story we were having an intellectual conversation about school and world issues (believe it or not). Also, please see bottom of script for definitions of starred terms and special notes.

Me: So Mom, what's new at the big Nutt?* What have you been doing lately?

Mom: Well, October 19th was Blu's birthday and NO ONE remembered.

Me: hahaha (thinking...of course I didn't remember...it's the dog. Then again, according to Mom and our grandparents Blu knows the days of the week, so why wouldn't he know his birthday.)

Mom: So, on Wednesday I left work early and went home to make Blu a fried chicken dinner.

Me: Did he enjoy that? (still laughing)

Mom: Oh yeah, he loved it! So, I made him his dinner and I sang him "Happy Birthday" and he kept looking at me like I was crazy.

Me: Probably because you were singing to him.

Mom: Well no, that's not why. I realized the next day, on Thursday, when I went to work that the day before was the 18th! That's why he looked at me so crazy, it was because I was celebrating his birthday on the wrong day. Luckily I had some leftovers and so he got birthday dinner again on Thursday.

Me: Thank God.

*the big Nutt: a slang term used by three girls and a boy when referring to Massanutten
*No judgement is allowed. She just feels everyone deserves a birthday celebration.

Before you know it Ho will be saying, "Just like Clyde, Blu is not a dog, he is a person."

WWMD?

What Would Mom Do?

On behalf of Three Girls and a Boy, I am proud to introduce a brand new segment on our blog: WWMD - What Would Mom Do? an advice column authored by our very own Mom, the Maker Of the Madness, the original milf.

Here's how it works: anyone with a burning question, or maybe a burning itch, can ask Mom for advice. Three Girls and a Boy will be posting our own questions and those submitted by others. If you're a friend of Three Girls and a Boy you can ask Mom for advice directly by posting a comment under the most recent WWMD post. Got it? Anyone who asks Mom for advice receives a free WWMD wrist band, our compliments to you.

WWMD #1

Dear Mom,

I am confused. I am a boy beagle and thought I would always enjoy the company of bitches. I've never actually been with a bitch, but my daddy tells me I would like it. The problem is Rags. Rags is a boy dog who was a houseguest for a several weeks. As much as I tried to suppress my feelings and urges, all I wanted to do was hump Rags -- and hump him I did. I tried to pretend like we were just wrestling, but Rags knew what I was doing, and he liked it. Now Rags is gone, and I miss my hump buddy.

Mom, does this make me a gay dog? I'm afraid my daddy won't love me if he thinks I'm gay.

Looking for love in all the wrong places,
Blu -- aka Humpty, pronounced with an Umpty

IT'S A TIT BIT NIPPLY OUTSIDE AND I WISH IT WAS HOOTER

Blacksburg, Virginia is expecting high temperatures in the 40s today. This can mean two things ladies and gentlemen:

1. My Raynaud's Phenomenon will be back in full force until April
2. It's time for us all to bust out our winter vocab.

Thanks to urbandictionary.com, I have provided you with a mini-vocabulary lesson. Read up, learn something, and use these terms while engaging in conversation today (preferably professional conversation).

1. As cold as a witches tit: an object that is extremely cold
Sentence use: The air is as cold as a witches tit.

2. Tipples: titty nipples
Sentence use: My tipples are rock hard in this cold weather.

3. Brass Monkey: a metaphorical thermometer
Sentence use: "It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"

4. Titty Bit Nipply: The weather is cold enough for your nipples to become erect.
Sentence use: Turn on the heater, its a titty bit nipply.

5. Witch: (1) crazy bitches; (2) a word you use when talking about how cold it is
Sentence use: It's colder than a witches scrotum outside.

6. Snotsicle: when yo snot be runnin' down yo schnizzle when it be hawkin' and it freezes into a stalagtite lookin mofo!
Special sentence use: It's so cold outside I got a snotsicle that should be on display in Luray Caverns.

*All definitions and some sentences are from www.urbandictionary.com*

The Coffee Incident

It might be hump day, but that's the only good thing I can say about this day so far. Already an hour late for work (don't ask why), I pull into the parking garage, badge in one hand, coffee in the other (and oh yeah, I'm driving too). I have to shift gears, so I put my coffee in my lap and wouldn't you know it... the whole damn thing tips over. It's hot. I can feel it singeing my Lady Menorah. There's nothing I can do but let it sit there, fully seeping through to the back of my pants until I find a parking space 5 minutes later. Obviously I can't assess the damage sitting in my car in a dim parking garage, so I get out to inspect my crotch. I grab a few dunkin donuts napkins and start wiping away when I hear the screech of car tires. I look up, napkins in hand, and meet the eyes of two men who have no idea what the hell just happened. So, I did what any self-respecting lady would do: grabbed my things, and walked - head held high - into the building. Wet crotch and all. Now if only I could get that coffee smell to go away.

Why I Love Grey's Anatomy

"I want moonlight and flowers and candy and people trying to feel me up. Nobody is trying to feel me up!...Do you have any idea how much effort it takes to do this? I am waxed and plucked, and I have a clean top on....I want heat; I want romance. Damn it, I want to feel like a freakin lady."
-- Meredith to McDreamy and McVet

Sex, Lies, and Instant Messaging

This blog title could easily allude to my personal life, but politics proves a more apt subject.

Gay Republican: oxymoron or hypocrisy at its best?
It seems the Representative from Florida, Mark Foley, has been confused or in denial over his gayness and finds it "revolting" and "unforgivable" that people would openly question his sexuality. I think Rep Foley took the words right out of Clay Aiken's mouth. By now of course, I don't think there is any question over Rep. Foley's sexuality or his habit of pedophilia. The only good thing I can say about this controversy is at least Rep. Foley had the good sense to quickly resign when this mess became public late last week. The last thing this country needs is a Congressman denying to the American people his love for 16-year-old boys. If its true Speaker Hastert and other Republican leaders knew of the allegations for several months but kept mum for political reasons, they should resign as well.

While Foley has been accused of being gay, I don't think he has ever been accused of being smart. Did he not stop to think instant messages could be saved and used against him? The transcripts are all over the web, and I'm not going to bother including them here, except for a small excerpt just so you get the idea.

Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:38 PM): ive already told you that
Maf54 (8:08:47 PM): tell me again
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:49 PM): 7 and 1/2
Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful

As if that's not enough, I'll leave you with this tidbit: Foley served as Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children and was the foremost opponent of child pornography. The media reported today Foley has checked himself into rehab for alcohol abuse. Super. A self-hating, alcoholic, gay, republican pedophile. This guy makes Mr. Bush look good.

Pardon, is that a phone up your ass?

There was a late breaking story last Friday about inmates in a Salvadoran prison who smuggled cell phones, chargers, and extra SIM cards into their cells by hiding them in their bowels (that's rectum for you Sue) to conduct their gang business from behind bars. See full story: http://www.smh.com.au/news/phones--pdas/pass-the-phone-amigo/2006/09/09/1157222362436.html

If you're sitting at your desk right now asking, What the Fuck? -- you're not alone. My good friend Paul asked himself the same thing and came up with these top 10 responses:

10. Actually, this has nothing to do with communication, they just set the phone to vibrate for a cheap thrill.
9. Don't drop the phone has just become the new catch phrase in Mexican prisons.
8. That shit is off the hook!
7. Introducing the new Chocolate from LG.
6. I might lose you, I'm going through a tunnel.
5. Reach out, reach out and touch someone.
4. Motorola just announced that Katie Couric will be endorsing their new colonoscopy camera phone
3. Cingular Wireless, more bars in more places.
2. I just got off the phone with a total asshole.
1. This totally trumps my splinter in the ass story

Disclaimer: While Paul was willing to tempt ridicule by allowing his jokes on the internet, he would like everyone to know that he will not be placing the x-rays taken of the splinter in his ass on the internet.

For all of you who are now intrigued by the splinter story, please leave a comment and maybe we can convince Paul to share with everyone!

"Beyonce, Beyonce!"

Steve Arnos doing his trombone routine is an old school three girls and a boy favorite. This is probably because this is the only other white person that has moves like we do.

Crikey!

Steve Irwin was pronounced dead today after being punctured in the chest by a sting ray. The sting ray, which has a serrated spine that is filled with poison, wounded Irwin while he was approaching it in hopes to capture it on film for his newest project. Doctors said that Irwin most likely died instantly due to the damage done to his heart and not necessarily the poison from the sting ray. John Howard, the Australian prime minister, was quoted saying, "It's a huge loss to Australia. He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate enviornmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people."

The news of Steve Irwin's death is a blow that will be felt all around the world. For years we have all learned as well as laughed with him. May he rest in peace and may we all be thankful for him being such a dedicated conservationist.

Give It To Me Ray!

If you're not listening to Ray Lamontagne, then start! By far the best new artist out there. Video is from 8/29 Conan O'Brien show. Ray is singing his new single, "Three More Days." This song makes me all tingly inside -- watch out!

Here's To You Mom!

This blog is dedicated to Mom -- the Maker of the Madness; the original milf; the reason three girls and a boy exist.

For all you blog fans (i.e. those who read this blog because I nag) who loved the sage advice from Mom in this blog's debut post (Three Girls and a Boy: Can Paris Bring Peace in the Middle East?), here's your next fix:

1) "The more people I meet, the more normal I feel." In response to a favorite family pastime comparing the level of our dysfunction to that of other families. Current conclusion: everybody is fucked up.

2) "Life is better when you have fewer expectations." This quote pretty much sums up my current dating situation. But dammit, since when is it okay to settle for so little?

3) "There's nothing wrong in wanting to know if he's different or like all the other assholes." See #2. So far the assholes are winning.

4) "If I have to put a bowl of condoms on the coffee table I will." Mom's insistence that the three girls and a boy practice safe sex while living under her roof.

The Ugliest House in America

The funniest SH*T I've ever seen!

Flavor Flav to Us Weekly magazine:
"That was one of the most memorable points of the show right now. That girl making a poop on the floor. And six cameras caught her picking it up off the floor, trying to smear it with her hand, and then it caught her smelling her hand, and when she was going up the stairs another piece dropped out of her. It made a crazy odor in the house, I swear that odor was so bad you might be able to smell it though the TV. It was kind of gross."

Mr. Blu goes on a Hike

Vacation has gone something like this: Morning. Wake up. Take Blu for a two-poop walk and play ball. Try to read while he fetches the ball and returns it to my lap, insistant that I throw it right away. Yell at Blu for eating the cat food. Afternoon. Take Blu for walk and maybe a poop. Play ball. Yell at Blu for eating the cat food. Play ball.

Today was a special day: Mr Blu and I went on a hike to see a waterfall. He liked it very much. How do I know? Because he told me.

Congresswoman, are you undressing me with your eyes?

Watch Stephen Colbert's hilarious interview with Eleanor Holmes Norton, Congresswoman of the District of Columbia. Holla!

The dog

This is our dog. His name is Blu. He also goes by Bluey, Bubby-Wubbies, Blu-dog, Blu-horse, and Big Man. He can't type but if he could he would be blogging too.

Things Blu might blog about:
- his ball
- Buddy
- chasing squirrels
- his ball
- cheese and other great people food
- his ball
- how he's not quite sure about the whole swimming thing
- snuggling
- Max the cat
- his ball
- Grandma

The Real World of Waiting

After reading the post made by The Boy, I was suddenly inspired. My contribution this week and in future weeks will be stories from work that piss me off. While the movie "Waiting" may give those who do not work in a restaurant a little taste of what this kind of work is like, I feel that my posts will help everyone remember what to do and what not to do when dining out.

Let me give you a little history. The restaurant I work in used to have order at the counter service as opposed to full service with a waitress. However, one FULL year ago this service was changed to entirely full service. This means that those who enter the restaurant see a host or hostess to be seated at a table where a waitress, perhaps myself, will take care of them. For those customers that have a hard time figuring out what the podium is for at the entrance, there is a helpful sign that reads "Please see greeter."

So yesterday as I was going into the second part of what turned out to be a 14 hour shift, a family comes in the door and proceeds to seat themselves. At this point in time the hostess grabs them, walks them past the please see greeter sign again, and then places them at a table in order to avoid overwhelming another waitress. Lucky for me, this family was now seated in my section. However, before I could go to get their order they walked to the counter to ask for some drinks. The cashier standing at the counter nicely instructed them that their order would be taken at the table. When I greeted them they asked me when it changed to full service. In my head I answer this question "A F*CKING YEAR AGO!" They then told me that they had not been in to eat in a while so I understood their confusion, but was still frustrated with their presence. Although annoyed, I asked them what they would like to drink and even suggested some delightful happy hour specials. The man asked for a pitcher of beer. I responded to this as I always do, "I am sorry sir we do not sell pitchers of beer. We do have tall drafts and buckets of beer instead." In response to this statement the mans looks at his wife and says "Man this place sure has changed a lot." BUT in reality it hadn't changed much at all because we have NEVER sold pitchers of beer.

Once I got their drinks and took their order the man at the table shared with me that he was "such a huge fan" of one of our new menu items. It was at this time that I experienced a light bulb moment. If they had not eaten in the restaurant in over a year and that is why they did not know to see the hostess or order from me.....THEN HOW COULD THEY HAVE EATEN A NEW MENU ITEM! In conclusion, some people should always EAT AT HOME!

Let's Hug It Out Bitch!

Ah, yes, today is July 26th and the 41st birthday of the glorious creature we refer to as Jeremy Piven. I would like to take today to celebrate all the wonderful contributions he has made to this world by posting the top 5 Ari Gold quotes from Entourage. (Please feel free to post your own favorites)
5. Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!

4. You can have it if you want to live in Agora fucking hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday.

3. Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend

2. That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

and finally..... (as previously seen on this blog)

1. You're going to have to call me a lot earlier than 5 a.m to wake me up, you cunt muscle!

Today is actually quite the star studded day with numerous celebrity birthdays.
Kate Beckinsale is 33, Sandra Bullock 42, and kevin Spacey 47.

July 26th is also "All or Nothing" day. I think I pick nothing. Does that mean I get to take a nap now?

In breaking news, Lance Bass of N'Sync has come out of the closet. The first of the five boy banders to go public. Didnt he use to date a bunch of girls???? maybe that was one of those Backstreet boys. I think at least one of them pretends to be straight. But anyway, sorry ladies, we've lost another one.

Do the humpty-hump. Let’s do the humpty hump! (This one's for you John.)

Happy Hump Day everyone. Bet you didn't know the term hump day was first used by the media in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1965. Those Minnesotans sure know how to hump.

Wednesday originated from the Middle English (which derived from Old English) word Wednes dei, which refers to the Old German God, Woden. I saw a picture of Woden and I'm pretty sure he was never called Sir Hump-a-lot.

When Sunday was taken as the first day of the week, Wednesday became the middle of the week... a la Hump Day! Ironically, says Wikipedia, Wednesday is also unofficially referred to as the "peak of the week." Yes, how ironic.

All this talk of Hump Day reminds me of that time when Suzanne was 4 or 5 and we convinced her to ask Mom if she wanted to hump her! Should we call you Suzamme, or Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty? Ahhhh...char char char char char!

I like to rhyme,
I like my beats funky,
I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.

Jon Stewart Will You Marry Me?

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=71967

Watch this clip from Thursday's Daily Show. If you aren't laughing and crying by the end, there's no hope for you. It's just over 5 minutes and every second is worth it.

What You Need to Know! 7/21/06

Welcome to the very first installment of What You Need to Know. Sorry it has taken so long to get this going but now maybe Marie will get off my back. (I dont know how she expects me to blog and beat my high score on Minesweeper all in one day!)

Today is Friday July 21, 2006 and it is National Tug Of War tournament Day, so grab 5 of your closest friends, a rope, and call it a party. I know what I'm doing during lunch today. This weekend also wraps up Captive Nations Week. Not quite sure what this means but it makes me a little nervous. July is also Wheelchair Beautification Month! This weekend I'll be heading to my favorite local nursing home with some chrome polish and streamers to kick off this rowdy celebration!!

I couldnt be happier that it's Friday and I couldnt be happier that I heard on the radio this morning that Naomi Campbell was arrested... AGAIN... for assaulting someone.... AGAIN. This time however it wasnt someone who works for her. It was her ex-boyfriend. Someone please give this crazy bitch a reality show... Nigel , Mark , The Donald- what are you waiting for?!

In other celebrity news, Robin Williams turns 55 today and Josh Hartnett is 28. The lovely former attorney general Janet Reno is celebrating her 68th birthday today as well. Don't worry Jan, you've still got it!

This Day in History:
Today in 1925 John T. Scopes was convicted of violating Tennessee state law for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution in what was known as the "monkey trial." This conviction was later overturned. AS DAMN WELL IT SHOULD BE!

Celebrity Gossip for $300, Alex

What would be your ultimate 6 Jeopardy categories?

Mine would be:
1)Celebrity gossip (This actress's son and a character from A Separate Peace share the same first name. Who is Phinnaeus, Alex?)
2)Quotes from Major League, the movie ("You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?" Who is Eddie Harris to Pedro Cerrano, Alex?)
3)Types of Produce (This fruit is shaped like a star. What is star fruit? Duh, Alex.)
4)U.S. Government acronyms (Federal Agricultural Mortgage Corporation. What is Farmer Mac? Alex, since when was Farmer Mac an acronym?)
5)U.S. Politics (This politician told a Senator to "Go F*ck himself". Who is Vice President Dick Cheney, Alex?)
6)DC Metro Area driving directions (66W to 267W to 495 to 270N, exit 10. What is Marie's old commute?)

-- Thanks to Paul (and Douglas Coupland) for the suggestion!

Can Paris Bring Peace in the Middle East?

"I play dumb like Jessica Simpson plays dumb. But we know exactly what we're doing. We're smart blondes." - Paris Hilton

"I think every decade has an iconic blonde — like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana — and right now, I’m that icon.” - Paris Hilton

I'm not sure what the world is coming to when a) things that come out of Paris Hilton's mouth make front page headlines, and b) she compares herself to Princess Diana. Nonetheless, her statements are just too good not to share.

Also making headlines today is the threat of Bush's first veto over embyronic stem cell research. Bush believes, plainly, such research is "murder." Can anyone please explain the logic where stem cell research = murder = veto and Iraq war = murder = sanction? Not to mention, allowing federal funding of stem cell research could potentially SAVE millions of lives.

Anybody watch Last Comic Standing last night? Who is your favorite? Who do you think will get voted off? I'm pulling for Josh... who by the way get benefit from embryonic stem cell research.

I'd like to close out today's post with sage advice from Mom: "The only advice I have, so far, is to treat her with respect, be honest, and wear a condom."